isn

This post isn’t related to the readings I just need to say something without really saying it to anyone.

Yesterday I got a phone from a friend to tell me that one of our friends had taken his life. It was heartbreaking to hear and its only gotten worse since. I was immediately drowned with sadness and guilt. I’ve never experienced a loss in this way and I still have no idea how to feel or what to say or even ask. I’m sad because I lost a friend and I even feel guilty for not having done more or less or whatever would have been helpful. I’ve never had to deal with something and I can’t help but feel guilty of something I did or didn’t do, or maybe something I could’ve said. I even feel bad for feeling bad, like I shouldn’t feel bad because I could in some way be responsible for any part of this. And then I feel overwhelmed and angry at something, anything really, I have no other way to process something like this. I found myself scared again because I’m not religious I feel even worse about him. He really felt like he had nothing like he was alone so much so that he had to do this. And I can’t even rationalize a happy ending for him I can’t even hope he found some sort of peace or comfort in whatever comes next, and I know he didn’t find it here. I’m not sure whats after this and times like these I don’t want to know I only hope that whatever it is better or at least for him I hope it’s not as bad as what he found here. I hope he gets some kind of peace.  If there is a God I hope he has mercy, and if anyone is reading this just be more appreciative of what and who you have, I thought I learned that lesson before but I guess we’re always going to be given this reminder that life is precious. no matter what you believe whether you believe in eternity somewhere else or nothing after this, we’re going to miss you when you’re gone.

3 thoughts on “isn

  1. Hey my friend,
    I’m so sorry to hear this. Let me know how you’re doing. Always here if you need anything.

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  2. I’m glad you had the blog post as a means of expressing your thoughts. Its unfortunate events like this have to happen.- Hope things get better

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  3. A friend of mine took his life 3.5 years ago, right after I moved here. Every time September rolls around on the day he took his life I wake up thinking about him or dream about him the night before (without registering the day approaching). He was a troubled person since we were 13 years old. We ended up growing out of touch as we approached our twenty’s, different friends and such, yet common friends as well. I rode horses at the same barn as his sister for a while plus it was a smallish town. He had a hard time with his sexual identity and with substance abuse. I just hope he is finally at peace. To know that a friend felt so helpless to take their life is heart breaking and something I don’t believe the people who love them ever get over. I feel for you. You may never find peace with it and there will always be a part of you that hurts for your friend because you are a good person and care. ❤ Find a way to honor your friends memory if it helps you. Just don't ever forget them.

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